Sunday, 23 May 2010

Why your BBQ makes me want to burn a bus shelter down (NSFW)

Well judging by the smell wafting in through my open bedroom window... coupled with the tingly sensation that comes by over exposing flesh to the power of the suns rays, I can say with confidence that, for today at least, BBQ season is upon the UK.

Having perused my Facebook page I became somewhat unsettled and then perturbed by something that has been gnawing away at me for a number of years. You know the kind of thing that crops up, starts to piss you off and then is gone just before it built up a head of steam within you causing you to embark on a day of over-turning cars and setting fire to bus shelters?

Well.... NOT ANY MORE!!! I cant contain it, I cant get away from it, its there in my view on Facebook and irritating my nostrils this very second, there is NO getting away from it!!! (the smell at least... I could, possibly, if I realllllllly needed to log out of Facebook.... said in the same way a smoker says they can quit at any time!).

So what is it about BBQ's that get me “a little” pissed off? Well to demonstrate here is a status update from my brothers wife....

“There is nothing like the sweet, sweet taste of a bbq burger!!”

Ok, now I am usually quite well spoken... on here at least, but if swear words offend you I would suggest exiting this page and deleting your history and any memory of this blog.

You have been warned.

Still here....?

Ok then..... (Mrs A if you are still reading this please don't judge me and mark me down in my final exam)


You wait all year long for the three days of weather that are compatible with al fresco cooking and dining in the UK, you get the BBQ ready, buy the coals (or if you are a lazy bastard turn on the gas), fill the fridge up with beers, go to the supermarket and deal with all the pond scum that are milling around..... and the best you can do is throw some shitty frozen dog dirt burger on to cook!

I just don't understand it!... oh wait, whats that... oh right they are Waitrose all singing all dancing “¼ we saw you coming from a mile away pounder Aberdeen Angus burgers”.... bollocks to that, at least the frozen ones had enough fat in them to give them flavour! Of all the things the modern first world supermarket offers you choose BURGERS! What has gone wrong in your life that you are making such decisions?

“Oh but they taste so good BBQ'd with that beautiful smokiness one only gets from a BBQ” you say... well once again I say BOLLOCKS TO THAT! If you want a flame-grilled burger go to Burger King where at least they make them well and don't burn the ever loving shit out them like you just did!


I am of the belief that if you are going to have a BBQ then you need to do it properly and that means cooking over coals. Gas BBQ's are for the kebab houses of our land and you sample one of those every Saturday night of your life so why recreate the same travesty at home... only worse???

You see, while the coals are burning away and getting to the stage that you can use them, anything from 30-45mins, you could have whipped up all sorts of things that would show a supermarket burger what it truly is... a piece of shit! Having no time should never be an excuse, you make time to do it properly or you may as well go to the “Kebab Cottage” and save yourself the trouble and the planet the added CO2 emissions.

From my experience down-under the Aussies have completely desecrated the very idea of a BBQ, cooking on what is essentially a giant rectangular frying pan over a gas flame. They have BBQ's so often that its just another cooking method in their daily routines. We Brits on the other hand should be cherishing these days that allow us to BBQ as we don't know when the next will come.... if ever at all! This means putting a bit of effort in, a little bit of thought and then reaping the rewards!

How about some lovely Monkfish kebabs delicately dusted with your choice of spices? A spatchcock chicken marinaded in rosemary and thyme, King prawn skewers with a chilli and garlic oil? Lamb chops and tzatziki, or how about.... a home-made burger with a freshly made salsa????????

Hell, if you bothered to plan ahead you could even brine some ribs over night and whip up a lovely sauce to accompany them rather than some shite from a bottle.

You see the issue isn't with burgers themselves its with the fact you have gone through all the logistics a BBQ usually involves, and then you throw some shitty ready made burger.... or god forbid sausage (I'm not even gonna go there, I could write 3 posts just about the burnt and acrid skin let alone the raw and squits inducing centre!) onto the BBQ and then slather it in sugar disguised as a sauce and a slice, or if you are actually properly mental two slices, of individually wrapped "cheese" just confuses me.

So that's about that, I should have spent this time revising for a theory exam this Friday, but have instead opted to risk my chances of passing the course to ensure that you think more than twice about taking the lazy bastard route when next breaking out the BBQ.

Do yourself and your family and friends a favour... and put a bit of effort in into your next BBQ!



  1. Point taken.
    Yours sincerely,
    An Australian


  2. Typical! You wait ages for a blog entry and two come along at once!! Totally agree with you about gas barbecues, they are an abomination in the sight of the almighty cook, hell what's the point, use the grill instead. A properly nurtured charcoal brai, er, barbecue with the meat cooked at the right time, not when it's too bleedin' hot, is hard to beat. However I take issue with you over burgers and sausages. Burgers are for lazy people and I've seen more burgers disappear through the mesh into the fire than I care to think about. Sausage on the other hand, and I don't refer to those 90% sawdust concoctions, but real meaty sausages, boerewors or similar if you can get it, properly cooked, just cannot be beaten. Meanwhile potatoes and corn on the cob can be cooked directly in the coals wrapped in foil. As well as the things you mentioned, lamb and pork ribs, pork belly,whole sea bass, are all good candidates for the barbecue.

    Something else that winds me up about barbecues is this business of cooking outside, then taking in and eating at the dining table with fork and knife and fancy acoutrements. Hands should be used, they can be washed before and after, a barbecue is not a polite meal, it is a return to the cavemen days.

    'Scuse me my wife is rabitting, let me club her and drag her off into the cave........

  3. Brightlight - to be fair the sausages I was referring to were the shitty supermarket variety laden with fat and little flavour. You reminded me of the Merguez sausages we used to BBQ in France, they are thin and spicy and from Morroco originally if I believe.... and such a far cry from what the average UK punter throws on to cook.

    Glad I am not the only one who takes issue with some attempts at BBQ's.... and yes, ALWAYS to be eaten with a fork... then wipe your sticky fingers on the back of your shorts/jeans!



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